Transitioning

You know, sometimes change can be a real pain in the rump but in all reality I learned to adapt to changing circumstances long ago in the Marine Corps. The phrase was "Adapt and Overcome".

So here I am, a widower of two months... My wife now past and I talked very deeply of this coming time and we had a firm understanding and agreement of what was to be. She let me know that she felt I should move on as soon as possible in all areas of my life, i.e., love, education, career, home, relational, etc., and I agree. The biggest thing which seems to hamper this progress is social or cultural "expectations". I am not one to sit in self pity but I can understand completely how others might go through this stage. This is not to say I don't hurt because I do but that is something which I must deal with and so I shall. I am not mad, nor angry, nor do I feel guilty. Death is a natural part of life and I know I did my absolute best to give Laura everything I possibly could before she passed away. So because I am not expressing these things in public does not mean I am repressing them. They are just not there and I see them as pointless and limiting. I have to go on, transition my life to a new life, and it will be done as smoothly, efficiently, and as quickly as possible. I am not forgetting my past either. I have incorporated and am incorporating all that we were, and all that she was to and with me, into who I am today and tomorrow. To me this is the way it should be. To nullify another and to "bury" their memory and that which they were seems like a shameful thing to do to a person once they are gone. I have more respect for who she was than to do that.

Would her memory inhibit or hamper relationships in the future? I see this question posed all the time. My answer to you is it will only make me more complete and whole. I am not one to compare my past to new relationships. I have spent a lifetime fighting what people do naturally - generalize. Each new day, my relationships with others start off on a fresh start despite what may have happended the day before or in the past. To categorize another into a grouping type because of past actions or other characteristics is to me wrong and immoral. It limits others from becoming who they may potentially become, especially when our categorical view of a person is expressed to others in our social settings. It is not fair or moral for us to hold someone back from change, hold them back from maximizing their potential as a human being. But unfortunately I see it done everyday, by countless people - often in pety, pointless ways. The point is, I refuse to do this if I possibly can ( sometimes because generalization it is a natural personal and societal survival aspect I am caught unaware of my own actions but rectify them to the best of my abilities if I can ). Is this "smart", to not hold past actions against another? One does not have to forget what another has done - be aware but allow the other to grow and change if they decide to. If their behavior repeats, then curtail their access to harmful intrusions for the moment or if it is continuous for the long run, but don't dump them into a grouping which inhibits their potential for the future.

With this understanding in place of how I deal with life, and back to the question at hand, no - bringing Laura into and along with my future life will not inhibit future relationships on my part because I deal with people on a fresh basis every day. Each new relationship I form with people is a unique and special relationship between that person and myself. How can one fully appreciate another if their interconnection is wrought with concern over how they stand up in comparison to a third person or to "expected" sociatial norms? In our hearts we each have our own understanding of what it is to be a moral person. This is what we should use to form our relations with others. If we use comparisons or social expections to form our relationships then we are not being true to ourselves or true to the other person. To allow these other factors to influence our construct of the relationship is to allow hipocracy, distrust, and negativity into the relationship which makes for a shallow interconnection at best. The question in I have to others is how willing are they to do the same in return? From my experiences in life thus far, sadly there have been few but I hold no ill will because I understand it to be natural that people seek an easier, simpler path through life which generalization and sociatial culture provides.